We need to acknowledge that the dating marketplace has changed dramatically over the last 20 years. We all now have to stand out amongst millions of others.

As a relationship/dating coach for 15+ years I can say this confidently: unless you’re a celebrity, supermodel, and/or multimillionaire, if you have a low-effort profile and put limited effort into communication, you’ll attract low-effort partners. You get what you give. Low-effort means limited (a) depth and (b) breadth and (c) few clear pictures.

So I argue that we should all create comprehensive, clear, unique, and honest profiles. They should explicitly state (a) who we are and (b) what we do and don’t want. Doing this benefits both us and our desired partner(s).

Neglecting to do so is self-defeating. The people you really want will skip over you or halfheartedly engage. They will often also lead you on. You haven’t given them a reason to invest in you as opposed to the millions of others on these apps. Generally speaking, you’ll primarily attract people without many good options.

And it’s unintentionally disrespectful–it’s not honoring the other person’s time. Asking and answering, “Who are you?”, “What are you looking for?”, “What do you look like?”, “What do you do for fun?”, etc. over and over to strangers on the internet isn’t anyone’s idea of a good time. If we can pre-answer those questions on a profile, we should.

I say this because time is precious and wasting it is an unnecessary tragedy. And it makes dating much less fun.

The stakes are surprisingly high: thousands of people will see, review, and reflect on our profiles. The more cursory the profile, the more time potential pursuers are forced to communicate with us or research us off app to get the information they need to decide if we’re a fit or not. In most cases, the other person ultimately decides it doesn’t make sense to invest more time in us. This process varies, but it usually takes between 10 seconds and 1 hour per person at the pre-date stage. And then 1-100 additional hours in the dating stage, per person. The vast majority of potential partners and dates go nowhere. Collectively, that’s millions of hours of time wasted, for no reason. As a species, shouldn’t we be using that time to live, play, and save the world from AI instead?

Fortunately, creating a good profile is surprisingly easy, if you try. If you don’t know how to talk about yourself, ask your best friend what you should write. If you’re unsure how much to write, as a rule of thumb the more specific your preferences are the more thorough and explicit your profile should be. If you don’t know what you want or what you want is context-dependent, just say so and let the other person decide whether to pursue you or not. If you don’t know how to take clear pictures, pay a professional to take them for you. Aim for 6-10. And if you haven’t yet, review at least 100 other profiles of your gender so you know what your desired partners are comparing you to.

The goal is to be memorable with your profile–if you look at 100 profiles, was yours the 1 in 100 that actually stood out? Would you swipe right on you just from what you saw on your profile? Keep in mind you’d know nothing about this person’s inner world–you’d literally only have a few words and images to go on. This version of you is 2D, not 3D.

At a high level, if you think real communication makes you look “desperate” or that you’re “trying too hard” as opposed to someone who is respectful and kind, I’d strongly urge you to reconsider that belief. That belief hurts everyone, including yourself.

Personally I love seeing deep, thoughtful profiles and I’ll effectively ignore 99% of incomplete profiles (even if we match). Matches or low-effort messages are not a good indicator of interest. Partly due to the deceptive design of modern dating apps, men are incentivized to pursue everyone (even women they aren’t genuinely interested in). Men will generally have sex with many more women than they’d be in a serious relationship with or marry*. And women are incentivized to collect matches, not real partners. It provides faux validation and perceived optionality of good partners “when they’re ready”. It’s less painful to get more and more unaligned matches that don’t go anywhere than to be rejected by a man they actually desired something real with.

*Assuming you want marriage, what percentage of your matches ultimately proposed to you? It’s almost certainly under 1%. And if you just want sex, what percentage do you ultimately have sex with? Unaligned matches indicate you could (online) date much more effectively. And dates where both or all parties aren’t fully satisfied in the end aren’t great dates.

It’s crucial to be aware of the fact that dating apps want us to keep using them. If we find a good match and delete the app, they don’t make as much money. They actually want us to fail at dating so we keep using and paying for their app. And remember that more matches = more failure. The whole aim should be to get off the app and enjoy each other’s company in real life, right?

We need to fight this massive drain on our time, energy, money, and well-being. One way forward is someone inventing a new dating app. See my proposed design here. Feedback welcome.

But until that happens, I think we each have to master the dating game. If you want to be more successful at dating, creating a great profile is the first step. Then studying the literature on how to communicate and how to build a good relationship. Here are some studies from the field of relationship science you might want to check out.

• An evidence-based approach to an ancient pursuit: systematic review on converting online contact into a first date: https://ebm.bmj.com/content/20/2/48
• Young Singles’ Scripts for a First Date: https://www.jstor.org/stable/189985
• Machine learning uncovers the most robust self-report predictors of relationship quality across 43 longitudinal couples studies: https://www.pnas.org/doi/10.1073/pnas.1917036117
• Predicting nonmarital romantic relationship dissolution: A meta-analytic synthesis: https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2010-18422-005

Men, you’re traditionally the ones pursuing so the onus is on you to do it ethically and effectively. Sadly, it’s still a numbers game and it’s incredibly hard for you to stand out. So up your profile and conversation game as much as possible and pursue with clear intention. Be real, fun, and interesting–you’d want the same from people you’re pursuing. And don’t expect much. You’re not owed anything (except basic respect). And pro-tip: pursue offline as much as possible. Online is usually extremely hard for you.

Women, you can subtly but persistently pursue–which is highly appreciated by most men–or attract partners to pursue you. This generally means creating an amazing profile and fully engaging with matches you like. The men you want are also overwhelmed with choice, so if you don’t stand out and flirt he will generally ignore you. Even “the one”*–he’ll go for someone else. Being passive doesn’t work in today’s dating market. Unless you have low standards or are willing to settle, you do have to put in the work, just like most guys do. Female celebrities do too, given the caliber of partner they desire. If you’re getting no or low-quality matches, that’s on you to fix as best you can. Try clearly stating you won’t be physically intimate with any new partner for several months. That immediately filters out all but the most interested.

*”The one” doesn’t exist. Many amazingly aligned partners exist. We should aim for deep connection and value alignment instead of fantasy. Hollywood is fun but not realistic.

Trans folks, much of the above applies but it’s even more nuanced. Careful communication matters even more when you’re dating across genders.

For everyone, deception is never acceptable. We should never hide current romantic partners or kids, lead someone on we’re not interested in, catfish, pretend to be wealthier/taller/more interesting than we actually are, lie about our age, etc. This almost always backfires in the end. They find out. And are often angry (rightly so). Don’t take the integrity hit. And don’t take the risk of them retaliating.

And since fit is extremely hard to discern through texting, it makes sense for us to get on a video call with someone as soon as possible. That way we both get a much better feel for who the other person actually is. Or do a quick date, if it’s a small investment in terms of time and money for both sides. “Talking” online over a few weeks before meeting is counterproductive–we build up a false perception of the other person in our minds. Humans are meant for face-to-face communication. Body language and eye contact are key.

Last, but not least, we should also share our unique dealbreakers as soon as possible. A unique dealbreaker is anything the other person can’t easily infer and might end the relationship before it can even begin. Sometimes these things are private so it’s okay to not share publicly on a profile, but we should respect the other person’s time by revealing whatever they may be very early in the dating process (i.e., usually in the first conversation).

Okay enough of all that. I truly wish you the best in life, love, and lust. Or whatever you fancy. Good luck out there!